I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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