I'm drive I can fine osifer
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
