This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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