That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
