just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
