fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
