Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
