how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
