Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
