we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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