This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
