getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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