A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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