my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We have started to decorate penises.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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