i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
did i walk over a car last night?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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