I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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