She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize