Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Umm I'm too high to move.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
