quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
