New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
