I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
