he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
