I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
