Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You can't motorboat a personality
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
