based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
