that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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