After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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