Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
