I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize