He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize