So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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