ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
