MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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