She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
