dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
