The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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