ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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