At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
