Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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