apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
