I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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