I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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