Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
