Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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