People in love make me want to vomit
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
