the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
