True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
