Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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