STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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