the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
