I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
