she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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