So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
