my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize